With my departure for college fast approaching (2 days), the feelings I thought I wouldn’t get, are finally hitting. So, I’m going to write them out, in a raw and unedited format, just so you can understand exactly how I’m feeling. And maybe, you’ll be able to relate to it to.
At this moment, I feel like leaving might be a mistake. I’m going to be leaving behind so many great things, to pursue my dream, while I’m stuck in a small room with a complete stranger for 8 months…
And the biggest factor that gives me these feelings is the person I care about most, that I will be leaving behind: my boyfriend.
I’ve always said that I would never let a boy interfere with my education and my goals. No one could ever keep me from achieving what I want, when I want. And up until now, I’ve kept saying it.
Until, I have to actually leave that man behind. The man that I care about so deeply, and so strongly.
And I know that I will still leave. I will still go, and he encourages me to pursue my dreams. But hearing him cry on the phone while we have a conversation late at night, kills me inside. How can I be so quick to choose to leave? How can I leave something so good behind?
And what about my family? I know that they support me in everything that I do, but how can I leave them behind, knowing that I may not see them the next time I come home? My grandma and papa aren’t getting younger. How can I leave them behind?
And my friends? Who have helped me through so much and love me unconditionally? I know that when I leave, that may be where our friendship ends. Left in high school like some of the many other memories.
And of course, my pets. Like other things, my pets won’t be around forever. And with the many surprises that have occurred over the past year and half, who knows how long I have left with them… How can I leave, knowing that any day could be the last?
What makes me more worthy of others to leave and start this next part of my life? Yeah, I know. I worked hard to get where I am today. I worked hard to move on to the next part of my life, so I shouldn’t hold myself back. But in the end, what makes me ready to actually leave?
Nothing. Nothing makes me ready to leave. Actually, I’m not ready to leave. I still don’t know how to really take care of my car, I’ve never had a real job in my life, I kind of know how to make Mac & Cheese, but only on a good day. I can tell you lots about literature, but I can’t tell you how many miles per gallon my car gets. And I’ve never driven out of town. Ever. So, what makes me ready to leave?
Honestly, I’m not ready emotionally to leave. You always take for granted those around you, and the little time you have left with them, even when you know the exact amount of time you have. Does that make sense? To not realize how small of time you have, even though you can tell someone to the minute when you are leaving?
And as much as I never wanted to be that girl, I really truly don’t want to leave my wonderful boyfriend behind. Never did I ever think that I would be so hung up on someone like this, at this point in my life. I’ve always been so realistic about everything I do, and I would’ve said “I will never ever do a long distance relationship.”
I said that up until I finally got what I wanted. This man of my dreams. Damn you love.
I’ve been thinking lately, how is this fair to him? How is it fair to this amazing person that I have, who cares about me deeply and wholeheartedly, for me to leave him behind for 4 months. And I know this seems like a selfish and naïve thing for me to say, considering there are men and women who leave their families behind every day, for up to 1 year, to serve this country. Yet, I still feel like nobody can understand how I’m feeling, for simply going away for 4 months.
4 measly months. 4 months of finding myself in a new place. Finding my passions and friends. Learning something new and building my new independent life. All in 4 months. At first.
But I’ll come back in December. And I’ll be so happy because I will get to see everyone that I’ve missed so much. Including that boyfriend that I hope is truly future material. And then I’ll do it all over again in December.
Overall, I think at this moment, I’m dreading the effects of a long-distance relationship. And I feel a little lost with myself. As every young adult does. I’m not sure whether to remain my realistic and pragmatic self, or to further develop my optimistic and hopeful mind, where everything ends up working out for the best with a little bit of pixie dust.
I want the next 4 months to bring me some insight into what my future may hold for me, and the person that I will one day become. But for now, I feel conflicted about my current choices, and the effect it will have on the ones that I love most.